The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

I consider myself to be a very patient man - perhaps to a fault. You kind of need to become one when you find yourself helping to raise three little sisters. Oh, you're busy setting your work station up??? Cool, no problem. I work in the restaurant industry, so I know how it goes.
All that said, I do not appreciate having my patience tested. Not with movies, not with books, and especially not with games.

That seems like good foreshadowing to a review for the highest-rated video game of all time...

Full disclosure: I'm basing my review on a play attempt from a few years back on the GameCube edition. I distinctly recall what I'm about to tell you, but I'm also watching someone else's playthrough on YouTube just to jog my memory.

The story opens up with a surprisingly touching introduction to the game's hero, Link. He is a "child of the forest", living among other children - the Kokiri. Each Kokiri child has a guardian fairy... except for Link (that's us! Story of our lives, huh?).

Cue the glitched shot of Link lying (and crying? Or maybe suffering from unbelievable cramps) on the floor, beside his bed.
Emotional connection already established less than a minute in! Good shit.

The scene immediately switches to an unexplained shot outside of a castle on a dark and stormy night. No words necessary to inform us that the princess is escaping on horseback from the story's main antagonist as Link watches on in bewilderment.  

Same, Link. Same. The hell are you doing in this dangerous neighborhood, so far from home??
We then get a confusing scene of some elder tree speaking to a tiny orb of light with wings (one of them fairy thingamajigs). I've seen far weirder things - just generally speaking - but it's a bit nonsensical and I wish they'd just cut to the chase a bit faster, so I'm going to as well.

Fairy and Link meet (after two and a half minutes that feel like FOREVER), fairy and Link hook up (no, not like that!), fairy and Link start off on the greatest adventure of all time!

Supposedly.

Initial gameplay thoughts:
The forest has a cool and interesting color layout and design! Also, I want to meet the rest of these kids in the forest! Okay, but if y'all could talk a little bit faster than that, that would be great... Less is more!! Also, Link moves at a good speed, though his walking animation is kindaaa... clanky. Must be wearing steel-toe Uggs...

After walking around everywhere and interacting with anything and everything, I'm finding myself growing frustrated because I know I need to find the stupid tree and exchange pleasantries with it, but there are absolutely ZERO tips on how to get there!
Now, the freedom to move in three dimensions became a double-aged sword when games evolved to that point because the last thing you want to do is to wander around aimlessly, especially as soon as you walk out of your house! 'Mario 64' didn't have that problem.
But I swear, I went back and forth for at least half an hour, inside and outside of every section and hut, just looking for whatever needle in a haystack I was missing.

I eventually gave up and my sister informed me I had to go all the way to the edge of the map, look for a small hole that was barely visible, and then crawl through it in order to progress.

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Not a good first impression!

Anyhow, the ball rolls and it's not long before I encounter my second moment of disappointment.
I'm in a small room inside of the first dungeon and I have to solve a quick, simple puzzle. Again, it's a small room with barely any variables. I simply need to carry my torch from one side to the other without my torch getting wet, and it is infuriatingly impossible!
I go back to my sister (she already beat this game before, btw) who points out that there's a nearly invisible block covered by a few polygons of water that I'm supposed to step on.
Goddamn it!!! Who the hell designed this shitty level??! The rest of this godforsaken game better NOT be like this...

Fast-forward to the final straw.

I now have to navigate a certain path in a garden without being seen. I didn't sign up for a stealth game, but it's good to have some varied game missions. Okay, let's do it!
Except this one is literally impossible because the game REQUIRES you to fail at least once before making the goal achievable. I call shenanigans!

And I'm almost irate just typing out these memories. THIS is why I decided to boot up a video rather than attempt to play this game again.

This is when my soul and spirit just surrendered - even though my fingers were still pressing buttons. At this point I just continued because I had already invested three or four hours into it and I wanted SOME form of gratification before calling it quits. Actually, the first boss battle was cool for what it was, but that's about it.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I then came across a legit bug that wouldn't allow me to proceed. I read an online walkthrough and watched a video, and it was an actual glitch that saved me from any further suffering.
Now, defenders of this game are going to argue, "But it's a classic!! It's the best game of all time! The joy comes when you finally figure out what you're supposed to do (after driving you crazy for half an hour)."

Well, I say that life is way too goddamn short to try to enjoy a game that continually trolls you with shitty, barely visible solutions. I've played and enjoyed other Zelda games before (namely 'A Link to the Past' and 'The Minish Cap'), and I really wanted to have the magical experience that others have had with it, but I just couldn't. I'm not THAT patient of a man. 

Do NOT buy or even borrow this game. Seriously. It's a real shame, but unless you enjoy being stressed out by games with outdated design issues, just skip it.